Sorryyy :)

Sorryyy if I hit you with a lot of writing but some of it is actually pretty cool not gunna lie :)I'll update gradually now that I'm pretty much up to date! Tell me whatcha thinkk!

Did I do this?

Do you think we’re born with natural competition or is it acquired during the process of growing up? If the day you were born, someone stuck you on an island being grown up with no guidance what so ever and on your 16th birthday, they put you in the real world, do you think one of your first thoughts would be why you weren’t better then everyone else? Would it even cross your mind? Were we grown up striving to be better then everyone else, or was it a flame that grew with in us on our own? When we’re told we’re bad at something, we don’t try our best to improve but compare ourselves to the best and try to be more like them. What if when we looked in the mirror, we didn’t think how much more beautiful other people were but we thought about how beautiful we are ourselves? Did society put this on me or is this a product of myself?

From Lover

Dear Love,

I’m so sorry you’re all used up. After all the songs, poems, paintings and everything else, you must be tiered. People use you and take advantage, I understand. You used to be so special, but as the world got older, you could love a shirt, a song, your 6th grade boyfriend and other nonsense. Love once was something rarely said until two people felt mutual feeling for each other, where they never wanted to be with anyone else. The sun rose in their eyes and all you wanted was a family with then and to grow old. Now, if a boy texts you all day, he is suddenly the love of your life, that is of course until the next week where he’s into your best friend. I apologize for the worlds inhumanity towards you.

from, Lover

Everyone's Insecure but you gotta learn to love your flaws!

Guess what? I like having a chubby face. Yeah I do. Cuz it’s mine and there’s nothing I can do about it. Yeah I could probably stop eating the foods I love so much but that’s not fun. I love my small boobs. Yeah one day, when I’m really cool living in the city, I’m gunna rock the small-boobed-braless look. I like my thick legs. Girls shouldn’t have legs like an 8 year old boy and I don’t and never will, it’s how I’m built. Yeah I barley fit in a size 1 anymore but at least I have a butt. I like my chubby fingers, my gloves fit nice and tight and I like my big feet, I feel balanced and secure walking on the ground. I like my weird nose because it lets me smell cake, flowers and that new born baby smell. I like the scar on my eye brow, it makes me look like a hard ass. I love how I never have my nails painted, it puts this idea in my head that I’m just so busy doing wonderful things that I have no time for manicures but really it’s because I don’t give a shit about my nails. I love my dark circles that are permanently on my face, I could be the natural faced girl but I like putting on makeup. Plus, it reminds me how it’s impossible for me to go to sleep before 5 in the morning, but that’s when I do all my great thinking. I love the scars on my wrist and ankle, it reminds me that I used to not be able too handle heartache and insecurities, but now I can.

What do you want to be when you're older?----A Hanger!

gly. What does “ugly” even mean?

I want to know who sculpted the laws of attractive people.

Not one person is more attractive looking than the other, just different.

A perfect nose, blue eyes, full lips, chizzled cheek bones is not any easier on the eyes then a girl with a big nose, chubby, thin lips, and full eye brows.

Our guide lines to a beautiful girl are what other people tell us what beauty is. Hundreds of years ago, being over weight used to beautiful because it meant you were rich and well fed.

Girls go threw some of the toughest obstacles to be “thin”. I’m not criticizing people who think they need to drop a few pounds. Weighing at 110, I would kill to weigh 100 pounds…but I’m not exactly sure why…

Everyone wants to look like a model. They’re 6 foot and weigh 100 pounds. Well, I just found out that models are so skinny so they can look like hangers and not distract the people away from the clothing. So I’m trying to look like a hanger?

Time to stop

Some people are afraid of the dark, most of spiders, being alone, death. My fear is time. It’s uncontrollable. You can’t stop time, nor will it stop for you. The common person rejoices on Friday because it’s the end of a hardworking week and now it’s time to relax but I don’t. Every Friday is a reminder that last week I was rejoicing over a week being over but here I am, the weeks are slipping by and I can’t catch them. My grandmother died on a Thursday. I had singing lessons every Thursday. After years of refusing to sing to her because of my selfish insecurities, i decided to sing to her as her days were slipping by. She passed away that day. She never got to hear me sing. The days that you waste;do nothing. Go make a memory. Time is so precious. No one dies peacefully. Everyone get’s killed. Who the killer is is the real question. The killer can be a person, cancer, disease, cars, accidents, time. Time is a killer but yet the least blamed. Time kills all. How much time? You walk through the hallways, streets, building and look around. People everywhere. You don’t know any ones fate. Neither do they. Time does. It could be seconds, minutes, hours, days, years until they leave this earth leaving behind memories. You can want more food, more money, more children and in some ways, by miracle it can happen. But you can never gain back the time lost. So sit back and appreciate the time well spent, and think about how time could be better spent.

Love songs suck

I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world. I love you more than ANYONE in this world. It’s not possible for anyone to love you more than i do… Very common phrases. They’ve all probably been thrown around at least a dozen times in a relationship. But guess what. The media helps you realize that your not the only person who knows what love is. You always think that it’s not possible for anyone else to love someone more than you love your boyfriend/girlfriend but quite frankly it is. There are songs about it all the time. People know what it’s like to love someone so much but yet you think your the only one. For a while i liked thinking it was not possible to love someone more than this… but it is. It’s a weird feeling when reality hits you. You’re not special. Everyone loves.

Little Men In My Brain

If I am the controller of my mind, why do I think unpleasant thoughts? They aren’t good thoughts, nor ones that I would like to have eating away at my mind. Do I control my thoughts? If I did, wouldn’t I be thinking about rainbows and butterflies all the time? Yes, I’ve said it… we don’t control our thoughts. Well than who does you might ask? Little men. Little men in matching uniforms. These men are clearly evil. Well then why do we SOMETIMES have pleasant thoughts? These little men are slackers. They day dream, they take naps, they play games and that is when we have uplifting and happy thoughts. But don’t worry. Soon enough they’ll get the job done which will leave you laying in your room listening to depressing music… that’s the only kind of music they like. Well some people are just really happy all the time, what about them? Deformation. They were born without these little men. No one knows why they aren’t born without these men… mainly because no one else thinks there’s little men living within the archives of ones brain, but I do. It’s the only explanation to the dark and saddening thoughts that corrupt my mind. I mean, it’s not like I choose to think them….

Welcome back to me!

Okay all this time of no posts, I don't want you to think I'm not doing shit sooo I'm gonna transfer all the stuff (at least some of the good stuff in my opinion) from my other blog that I have written and if ya got an opinion please do tell :)

Land of La La

Ever get that feeling? That feeling where you just don’t feel like yourself. You feel as though everything around you is just passing you by. It’s as though you’re in a daze, but for days on end. Colors seem to blend, faces are all the same, time is slower but yet faster then what it normally is. It feels as though your head is empty. No thoughts, opinions, no nothing. Just your hollow head that tells you to put one foot in front of the other, but that’s it. It doesn’t tell you wrong from right. When you do the wrong, it’s not so wrong because you just worry about putting one foot in front of the other. There’s no problem with this daze, or at least while your in it. The problem is when you enter the real world again. Everything isn’t so easy anymore. Life comes around and smacks you. You’re up. Now you have to spend time trying to remember what you did while is this land of lala and try to figure out how to undo it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

As I spoke about in class, Mattise got me thinking a lot about BEAUTY. Abstract are is beautiful. Sculptures are beautiful. Walking through MOMA, you look around and not everything is perfect. There is art that's very simple, art that's very complex. There's colorful art, black and white art. There's tiny little sketches, and humongous painting. All art is different. But, non less beautiful than the other. Kind of like people. We don't always look at it this way, everyone's beautiful. No one is any less beautiful than the next person, just different very much like art. This also ties into the play we went to go see. How could one person say they are any better than another just because of the skin they're in. I take the term beauty is in the eye of the beholder very seriously. I like to find the beauty in everything.

Psychogeography Project

For the Psycho-geography Project, what it meant to me was; nature meets object. It just so happened that I went kayaking this weekend and it doesn't get more beautiful then that. Every other minute, something new and beautiful is catching your eye. Even if it's just the simplicity of water, or the bright orange contrasting with the greenish-blue water. The trees, rocks, sand, water and sky literally put you in a trance for hours. I thought it really captured the idea of the beauty of nature vs. a bright kayak.

Kayak meets river

When I'm not in a workshop...

When I'm not in a workship I'm going to be helping Elisa with her film that she wants to follow through with and I'm also going to work on writing a skript. I don't have an idea for a film yet so I'll be going through the whole process of comming up with an idea, writing the skrpit thyen revising.

Work Shop

I think i got a lot out of the workshop but a different outcome than most. One part of the workshop was when we had to scream "NO" at people who were screaming "YES" back. I was a "NO" person which was a really big chnage to me. I was never good at saying no, and i usually don't. People felt stressed and angry after this exercise but i felt releaved, like i was letting out all the "NOS" that i should have in the past. While yelling no, i had a different situation for every no i was screaming and i think this helps my acting in many ways. One reason is becuase while acting, even though you don't know what is going on durring a script, you should always have a backround story that you have made to help you push yourself further as a character.

My Brain

I find it completely fascinating, that although i have had complete ownership of my brain and my thoughts for hmm let see... roughly 16 years now... i still can't control them. Why is it that during the course of me talking to myself (yes i talk to myself), that I will tell my brain to NOT think of something. I gave my brain specific instruction, but still my brain feels the need to defy my wants and needs and think of that exact thing! BUT, it's not just what i didn't want to think of, it expands and thinks of neighboring ideas that would get me equally pissed off. Wonderful. Thank you brain! This makes me think. Do i control my brain... When i was younger, i used to think there were little green men in my brain telling me what to do, think, and say and that idea is starting to make more sense than any scientist or brain doctor ever could. If i can't control my thoughts, who is? It has to be someone else. Someone evil. Because, although i pass by someone and tell them i love their sweater, under my breath i confess how hideous it is and question if she was high while purchasing this knitted Arabian sweater that has Christmas written in glitter. Why did i tell her i liked her sweater if i didn't really like it? It honestly just comes out. One of my worst features is, i always compliment people i hate (don't take this in offense if i have complimented you unless you know that i hate you.. then you can get offended)It is so horrible. But i really can't control it. I know i compliment people who aren't exactly worthy of compliments because i realize that although their sweater is hideous, they bought it, loved it enough to wear it to school, and probably have not gotten any compliments on it, if anything they've gotten stares and insults so, if i tell someone their hideous sweater is nice, it's not hurting anyone. But, i still find it weird that I'm compelled to do it. I can also say, and I'm sure a lot of people do it, I'm like a fashion critic walking through the hallways. But why? I don't do it on purpose and sometimes i don't even realize I'm doing it. Why should i care what other people are wearing... it doesn't effect me at all. Brain stop. nope. ok... do i want to be questioning the thoughts of other people when they woke up and decided they would not match at all and to make sure they get their point across, have totally contradicting colors on.. no i don't want to think that.. but i do. So until i have complete control of the reins latched onto my brain... I'll just walk around being controlled by little green men.

It's like my birthday every day: REBIRTH

I found the assignment to find out 3 core values and our main artistic issue very mind blowing. My 3 core values are CHANGE, INDEPENDENCE, AND UNIQUENESS. Okay, well once I got my 3 core values we had a little discussion on what an issue is, how to find it, and an example. Well, the chatter box I am, i went straight into conversation with Cassie about life and all these deep things and somewhere in the mix was PETVILLE. Yes petville in a teen crazed facebook game that gets you hooked on feeding a pet version of yourself with a house, neighbors, and shopping issues. In the middle of talking about my petville obsession, I told her how I sold everything in my house and decided to start over.... wait a second. ...that kinda what I do in my own life. And that is when my Issue was born.. or reborn for that matter. Rebirth is my issue. It's what my whole life is based upon and it totally ties into my 3 core values. AND it just so happens to tie into my enneagram test...super cool.... yes I know.

Number 4! wooh :]

Last week, we spent a whole day on enneagrams. After 14 pages of question after question, I am a 4. After looking through the packet that was given to us in class, i already had come to that conclusion but i wanted to take the test for shits and giggles. I think that the whole description can pretty much sum up my life but here are some key things that really struck me. "Fours often report that they feel they are missing something in themselves, although they may have difficulty identifying exactly what that “something” is." I always feel like i need more, like I'm missing something. I always feel like i need to change, i need to be better but i don't exactly know what. It's the weirdest feeling because i know i wanna change and i know i want to be better but i don't even know where to start, it's kinda like trying to fix a problem but you don't exactly know what to fix yet. What i find really cool is, while reading through the description of what the life style of a number 4 consist of, i realized that it also ties into my whole idea of "rebirth". After my enlightenment in class not too long ago on how the aspect of rebirth effects my life, i feel like everything i do has to do with rebirth. Rebirth even goes as far as me cleaning my room. I let it get really messy than i spend 2 full days on starting all over. I throw everything out, buy new things, organize everything and take it from there. Something i could compare my results to rebirth it "In the course of their lives, Fours may try several different identities on for size, basing them on styles, preferences, or qualities they find attractive in others." I always do this which pertains to rebirth because i love to start over. One thing that doesn't have to do with rebirth but really pertains to my life is, "One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them. Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives." When i read this, i realized it was totally me. I recently realized this and it's become a real problem but now i realize that it has to do with other aspects of my personality and life style. "At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences." When I'm happy or doing something i love, i revolve my whole life around it. I change everything about me that doesn't have to do with that which turns my experience into a more intense one.
I love the thought of starting over. Whenever I'm faced with a problem, my first thought is never to try and fix it, it's just to start all over. I love being able to be a whole new person just because i changed everything about me. Another aspect of rebirth that applies to me is my personality. My reason i get along with almost every person is because when i meet someone, my entire personality changes to make myself compatible with that person. Do i do it on purpose? Not at all. I've realized it before but briefly but now that I've indulged in my research about myself and how rebirth applies to my life, i really realize it now.
I think sometimes i get so confused about a situation and handling problems became of my rebirth like personality. I can never find and in between. If I'm really mad about something, i can never try to slowly fix it or think things out, i automatically change my whole perception on something which leads to problems because not everyone is so into rebirth as much as me and can't follow my mood swings. Another thing is, I never read over my blogs. Thats probably why there are so many mistakes but i never do because if i read it over, I know I'm going to want to start it all over again.... not good.