Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I'm not sure where i want life to take me but at this rate... nowhere is where im heading.
My mom recently screamed at me saying that everything i do is always "half ass". Of course i yelled back saying something witty to make her feel stupid, turned around, walked back into my room and sat there. I was always envious of those Olympic winners or even the people that just participated because they worked their whole life on something and now they could be proud. Well, as mamma Stacom said, everything i do is always 50%. I play soccer, but heyy it's not like I'm gunna do it my whole life so who cares if I'm not that great. I sing, but I'm not comfortable singing in front of people so that really wont take me anywhere, so I'll take the lessons because i love to sing but no biggy if i skip a few. I love to act but Ive been working to get something big since i was 4 years old and commercials here and there aren't really a thrill anymore so I'll try hard but just like all the other times, the chances of fail are high. I don't know how to commit or stick to anything. I'm one of those people who always go threw phases. It doesn't matter what type of phase but I've had a million and of course it all started like everyone else; Polly pockets phase, bratz phase, barbie phase but then as i got older all the things i loved to do, once i failed, well i pretty much gave up and just added it to my long list of phases. It even comes down to my friends that i get so close to but then we lose touch and the weekends get busy and once again they become just a phase in my life. I'm not saying i have to pick what i want to do with my life now, i just think that some sort of organization and commitment needs to start soon. I'm not sure where i want life to take me but i feel at this rate... well nowhere is where I'm heading. I keep thinking I'm in 2nd grade and i have all this time to experiment and try new things out but in reality i have 2 years to attempt to start somewhere. I always need someone to push me to my potential but really i should be pushing myself. I think confidence is my main problem. Everyone always thinks I'm such a confident person but i think that's why I'm not amazing at one thing, i lack that "I'm gunna get this!" kind of thinking. I've been acting since i was 4 years old and I've done a ton of things here and there but I've always been waiting for my big break. That one thing that makes everything worth while. It gets a bit tiring audition after audition. I swear i must have gone on AT LEAST 1000 auditions and yet here i am writing a blog about how my life has gone nowhere. YES, i am only 15 but i have big plans for my life. I don't want to leave this world as a business woman, or a librarian... i want to be remembered. i don't know if that's too much to ask.. maybe it is but I've seen crazier dreams so for now I'll stick with that. I get nauseous reading magazines about how all these people go from movie to move... I want that in the worst way but they say young actors never last anyways so for now i guess I'll stick to the dream. This blog went totally off topic... even though it never really had a topic i was just rambling on about stuff that usually no one wants to hear about but it feels much better getting all of that out.
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This isn't stuff people don't want to hear about. I found it interesting. You've put in a hell of a lot more effort than i have so far. I mean i'm not trying to be an actress either, so it's different in the sense that i don't have to go on auditions, but trying since you were for is pretty impressive? If you do get organized and on a track you WILL be able to do what you love for a living. You will never have to be a business woman. You are extremely talented from what I witnessed in that improv, and you're only going to get better. Don't worry too much. I decided today that i need to become a famous feminist before i die. It doesn't matter when you make these sort of ambitious decisions that we're making, as long as you make them and work for them and really want them. I have faith that we can do it...and I generally don't have faith in random things.
ReplyDeleteI made some terrible grammar mistakes in there that don't make much sense, sorry, I was typing fast because I was excited.
ReplyDeleteyou think you have no time left to do anything? but really you do have alot of time. Honestly no one really has a clue what they want to do. Everyone has ideas. They can say ohh i want to be a pilot and end up a wrestler. Or i want to be a fire fighter and end up in a famous band. You shouldn't feel negative. Young actors don't die out they just stop believing. If you set your mind straight you couldn't imagine what you can accomplish.
ReplyDeleteJill.. this is quite a post - bravely done, and certainly something EVERYONE in STAC including me is going through constantly.
ReplyDeleteOn Friday, I think we will do something which will put a spin on all of this that will be helpful and mindblowing.
Luke
thankk youu and im excited for friday! Thanks guyss it helps to know that im not the only one who knows nothing about what they want to do :)
ReplyDeleteFor the past 3 years, I had commitment problems with after school stuff too. For me it was dance class, cheer practice, rehearsals, voice lessons, violin lessons, and smaller things like doctors appointments. Since the beginning of sophomore year, I knew I had to make a decision between cheer and dance because they ALWAYS conflicted and I could never fully devote myself to both of them.
ReplyDeleteI realized that I have to do what is best for me and not for other people. I knew I should quit cheerleading because I love dancing more and I plan to dance after college.
If it is the matter of quitting something you really like to commit yourself to something else you just have to be brave and quit because it will make a big difference in the end and quitting wont be as bad as it may seem. And you can also focus more on what you want to commit yourself to.
Jillian I'm the exact same way about so many things. Like Michelle saw in sophomore year, I saw over the summer that I have to choose between cheer and dance as well. I just can't decide right now. As for the phase thing, I've been about 100 different things in my life as well. I now wish I had started something and gave it 110 percent from the beginning.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to decide what you want to do with your life right now. Yes there are so many people out there who have known exactly what they want to do since they were 2 and they have committed their whole life to it. A lot of athletes do that, a lot of dancers do it too. But there's a problem if you're going to compare yourself to those people. Those jobs have a REALLY short shelf life. When I was fifteen I sat down with my dance friends and said, "Guys, our carreer is half-way over. Isn't that sad?" But you even said, you don't want to be a professional soccer player. Actors don't have shelf lives in the same way that dancers or athletes do. Neither do directors, or writers, or doctors, or painters. Yes everyone expires at some point, but expiring at 60 or 70 is different than expiring at 30. So you say you have 2 years to figure out what you want to do, but you really have 50 years or more. You don't have to study the same thing in college that you think you're going to end up wanting to do with your life. One of my dance teachers, Jerome Vivona has a Broadway resume five feet long. But he didn't study musical theater in college, he didn't even sing or act in college. He studied ballet. He thought he was going to go off to NYCB or some other company and dance with girls in tutus. But when he discovered the world of musical theater, he dropped the ballet dream and started on that. His new found love for musical theater was so great that it inspired him and pushed him to learn to dance a new way, to learn to sing, and to learn to act. He wasn't committed to that since he was young. He was on a very different artistic track, and yet he still became an extremely successful Broadway performer. Now he has kids, and a wife, and so he has stopped going on auditions for things. Now he coaches his sons soccer team. And he aspires to become a college soccer coach too. Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum - arts vs. sports. I had a really good concluding point but after writing that whole story out for you, I have forgotten what it was I wanted to say. I hope that helps somehow.
ReplyDeleteI guess, keep learning. Keep experimenting. Maybe it's not such a horrible thing to get your feet wet in so many different activities. You'll have experiences in so many different things that I never will because I am so intensely focused on such few things. There's more than just one road to success. You have to find YOUR way and it might not necessarily be the same way that those famous people in your magazines used.
thankss beckyy that actually helped a lot!
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