Yay finally writing this!

So, my brain was swarmed with so many thoughts after our big talk about King Lear and I finally get to write it down! So one of my first big thoughts was when we talked about the end of King Lear. I love it! After talking about everything and what not, I no longer want to watch any movie with a happy ending because that's not life. What is the end of a movie? The start of another chapter. In a typical movie, it's bad, bad, bad, bad, the sun shines, there’s some kissing going on, then boom, they leave you with a happy ending which inevitably means they’re off to bigger and better things. But, think about your own life. When do you start a new chapter in your life? (Usually anyways)... When something really bad happens. That's when you're life takes a huge turn. When was the last time something really amazing happened and it turned your world around, I mean besides having a kid or getting married, nothing really. At the end of the chapters in your own real life, they end badly, if they ended good there would be no reason for a new chapter. That's just my perspective though; there could be people who think completely different. Another thing we spoke about is how it would be more pleasing to think that the 2 sisters were these beautiful women. I kind of find this funny because society find it more for filling so to say when there is a contrast between the meanness and beauty. If it was cruel ugly people, well that just sounds weird and wouldn’t be as satisfying as to radiant women with cold hearts. I find that very interesting, not sure why, but I do.

shakespeare(actually did a blog before i was told and realized it was saved as a draft....cool)

I absolutely love my new acting workshop. First off, I found a new love for Shakespeare and am even thinking about switching to the Shakespeare class for senior year. I also found a new epic monologue that I love from King Lear which I could definitely use for any audition. I also love how it's a small group and there's a lot of talking and learning going on at the same time. Usually in the workshops it's more of them teaching and talking a lot then us trying to apply it but instead, we were learning but also applying it to the monologues at the same time. We also broke down the monologues and figured out that Shakespeare isn't some crazy poety that no one is supposed to understand but just people talking and we figured out how to make it easier to understand. I also found it awesome that he writes in iambic pentameter and how you can use that to figure out how to actually say the lines and how they're feeling if Shakespeare maybe makes the lines shorter or longer than 10. I can't wait to actually get into Rob's written play.

just read my email! crappp

Dancing work shop: Well to start off, I'm a horrible dancer, that was deffenitly confermed on monday. I think this dancing workshop will be really helpful though in teaching me the basics which I'll obviously need if I want to persue this field. Although I was a horrible dancer, I realize that I'm not as horrible as I thought I was and it's not so bad once you get into it. I've had to dance on auditions before so, although I hate dancing and am a spaz, I'm glad I'm in the work shop becuase it's something I need but would never really be able to bring myself to actually do and learn. I went in thinking I'm gunna suck so obvioulsy I did but hopefully next time I start with a different and better aproach and I'll see if maybe that will change things (which usually does). As my mom says, it's always good to be a tripple threat so although I'll never be a master at dancing, I'll strive to be a 2 and a half threat.

Friday Mime

Fridays mime was pretty cool because instead of doing random different acts of mime, we did scenes. They weren't just any types of scenes though, they were scenes of rituals that we do that flowed into each other. We had engagement, football game, new years party and were currently working on a funeral. They all flow into each other but have no connection. It's cool that you can use nothing but your body but show exactly what we're doing and feeling.

Mime from a different perspective

I actually did more watching mime then the actual act of mime becuase I recorded what was going on the whole class for the ending project. It was cool to watch the learning process and see people get more comfortable as time went on. As your doing mime side by side with all the other people you basiclaly are foccusing on yourself and don't get to ovserve other peoplpe but while i was recording i got to see what people were doing to make it better, how into it some people were getting and how your focus helps you make evrything look more real.

friday mimee

Better late then never. So, as the sessions go on, I'm getting a lot more comfortable with miming which really let's me explore with my body easily and more flowy. I really enjoyed the ending where we did this slow motion excited scene and I actually enjoyed it a lot bc I couldn't believe how real it looked while looking in the mirror. We also did a super bowl fight scene and it was really funny and got me out of my head easily.

First Mime Experience

So, my first experience with mime was very fun but very awkward. I hate when I'm not good at things so I autimatically give up as soon as I start with was probably what happened for the first half but then he said everyone "lean on the bar and hold it" and he went around checking or fixing everyone and he came by and altered my arm a little and said perfect and thats when I looked in the mirrow and was like "woah, I actually look like I'm leaning on something" which is a pretty funny break threw for me but that's when i really started to get into it and enjoyed learning all the small tricks on how to make things look real.

Mimeee

So, during my adventures into researching Gregg Goldston the first thing that came to mind was "holy crap did this man work hard at acheiving his dream". At 18 he figured out what he wanted and didn't stop until he was working with the best. What do I expect while working with this guy? Well, comming from a man who saw no limits, I asume we will be pushed to our own which I'm excited for considering sometimes I need a little push. While watching one of his videos speaking he said that Marcel Marceau worked on huge stage as a single man but some how always looked big, that's what I want to achieve. A presence thats's bigger than my body using something so simple. I think mime will be fun becuase it's some what a truer form of acting. You can't "fake act" with your body. Either there's a natural flow or you've failed. That's atleast how I see it. I'm excited to see how such a master of such work passes on knowledge in such a simple way for us. Bring on the mime.

Sorryyy :)

Sorryyy if I hit you with a lot of writing but some of it is actually pretty cool not gunna lie :)I'll update gradually now that I'm pretty much up to date! Tell me whatcha thinkk!

Did I do this?

Do you think we’re born with natural competition or is it acquired during the process of growing up? If the day you were born, someone stuck you on an island being grown up with no guidance what so ever and on your 16th birthday, they put you in the real world, do you think one of your first thoughts would be why you weren’t better then everyone else? Would it even cross your mind? Were we grown up striving to be better then everyone else, or was it a flame that grew with in us on our own? When we’re told we’re bad at something, we don’t try our best to improve but compare ourselves to the best and try to be more like them. What if when we looked in the mirror, we didn’t think how much more beautiful other people were but we thought about how beautiful we are ourselves? Did society put this on me or is this a product of myself?

From Lover

Dear Love,

I’m so sorry you’re all used up. After all the songs, poems, paintings and everything else, you must be tiered. People use you and take advantage, I understand. You used to be so special, but as the world got older, you could love a shirt, a song, your 6th grade boyfriend and other nonsense. Love once was something rarely said until two people felt mutual feeling for each other, where they never wanted to be with anyone else. The sun rose in their eyes and all you wanted was a family with then and to grow old. Now, if a boy texts you all day, he is suddenly the love of your life, that is of course until the next week where he’s into your best friend. I apologize for the worlds inhumanity towards you.

from, Lover

Everyone's Insecure but you gotta learn to love your flaws!

Guess what? I like having a chubby face. Yeah I do. Cuz it’s mine and there’s nothing I can do about it. Yeah I could probably stop eating the foods I love so much but that’s not fun. I love my small boobs. Yeah one day, when I’m really cool living in the city, I’m gunna rock the small-boobed-braless look. I like my thick legs. Girls shouldn’t have legs like an 8 year old boy and I don’t and never will, it’s how I’m built. Yeah I barley fit in a size 1 anymore but at least I have a butt. I like my chubby fingers, my gloves fit nice and tight and I like my big feet, I feel balanced and secure walking on the ground. I like my weird nose because it lets me smell cake, flowers and that new born baby smell. I like the scar on my eye brow, it makes me look like a hard ass. I love how I never have my nails painted, it puts this idea in my head that I’m just so busy doing wonderful things that I have no time for manicures but really it’s because I don’t give a shit about my nails. I love my dark circles that are permanently on my face, I could be the natural faced girl but I like putting on makeup. Plus, it reminds me how it’s impossible for me to go to sleep before 5 in the morning, but that’s when I do all my great thinking. I love the scars on my wrist and ankle, it reminds me that I used to not be able too handle heartache and insecurities, but now I can.

What do you want to be when you're older?----A Hanger!

gly. What does “ugly” even mean?

I want to know who sculpted the laws of attractive people.

Not one person is more attractive looking than the other, just different.

A perfect nose, blue eyes, full lips, chizzled cheek bones is not any easier on the eyes then a girl with a big nose, chubby, thin lips, and full eye brows.

Our guide lines to a beautiful girl are what other people tell us what beauty is. Hundreds of years ago, being over weight used to beautiful because it meant you were rich and well fed.

Girls go threw some of the toughest obstacles to be “thin”. I’m not criticizing people who think they need to drop a few pounds. Weighing at 110, I would kill to weigh 100 pounds…but I’m not exactly sure why…

Everyone wants to look like a model. They’re 6 foot and weigh 100 pounds. Well, I just found out that models are so skinny so they can look like hangers and not distract the people away from the clothing. So I’m trying to look like a hanger?

Time to stop

Some people are afraid of the dark, most of spiders, being alone, death. My fear is time. It’s uncontrollable. You can’t stop time, nor will it stop for you. The common person rejoices on Friday because it’s the end of a hardworking week and now it’s time to relax but I don’t. Every Friday is a reminder that last week I was rejoicing over a week being over but here I am, the weeks are slipping by and I can’t catch them. My grandmother died on a Thursday. I had singing lessons every Thursday. After years of refusing to sing to her because of my selfish insecurities, i decided to sing to her as her days were slipping by. She passed away that day. She never got to hear me sing. The days that you waste;do nothing. Go make a memory. Time is so precious. No one dies peacefully. Everyone get’s killed. Who the killer is is the real question. The killer can be a person, cancer, disease, cars, accidents, time. Time is a killer but yet the least blamed. Time kills all. How much time? You walk through the hallways, streets, building and look around. People everywhere. You don’t know any ones fate. Neither do they. Time does. It could be seconds, minutes, hours, days, years until they leave this earth leaving behind memories. You can want more food, more money, more children and in some ways, by miracle it can happen. But you can never gain back the time lost. So sit back and appreciate the time well spent, and think about how time could be better spent.

Love songs suck

I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world. I love you more than ANYONE in this world. It’s not possible for anyone to love you more than i do… Very common phrases. They’ve all probably been thrown around at least a dozen times in a relationship. But guess what. The media helps you realize that your not the only person who knows what love is. You always think that it’s not possible for anyone else to love someone more than you love your boyfriend/girlfriend but quite frankly it is. There are songs about it all the time. People know what it’s like to love someone so much but yet you think your the only one. For a while i liked thinking it was not possible to love someone more than this… but it is. It’s a weird feeling when reality hits you. You’re not special. Everyone loves.

Little Men In My Brain

If I am the controller of my mind, why do I think unpleasant thoughts? They aren’t good thoughts, nor ones that I would like to have eating away at my mind. Do I control my thoughts? If I did, wouldn’t I be thinking about rainbows and butterflies all the time? Yes, I’ve said it… we don’t control our thoughts. Well than who does you might ask? Little men. Little men in matching uniforms. These men are clearly evil. Well then why do we SOMETIMES have pleasant thoughts? These little men are slackers. They day dream, they take naps, they play games and that is when we have uplifting and happy thoughts. But don’t worry. Soon enough they’ll get the job done which will leave you laying in your room listening to depressing music… that’s the only kind of music they like. Well some people are just really happy all the time, what about them? Deformation. They were born without these little men. No one knows why they aren’t born without these men… mainly because no one else thinks there’s little men living within the archives of ones brain, but I do. It’s the only explanation to the dark and saddening thoughts that corrupt my mind. I mean, it’s not like I choose to think them….

Welcome back to me!

Okay all this time of no posts, I don't want you to think I'm not doing shit sooo I'm gonna transfer all the stuff (at least some of the good stuff in my opinion) from my other blog that I have written and if ya got an opinion please do tell :)

Land of La La

Ever get that feeling? That feeling where you just don’t feel like yourself. You feel as though everything around you is just passing you by. It’s as though you’re in a daze, but for days on end. Colors seem to blend, faces are all the same, time is slower but yet faster then what it normally is. It feels as though your head is empty. No thoughts, opinions, no nothing. Just your hollow head that tells you to put one foot in front of the other, but that’s it. It doesn’t tell you wrong from right. When you do the wrong, it’s not so wrong because you just worry about putting one foot in front of the other. There’s no problem with this daze, or at least while your in it. The problem is when you enter the real world again. Everything isn’t so easy anymore. Life comes around and smacks you. You’re up. Now you have to spend time trying to remember what you did while is this land of lala and try to figure out how to undo it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

As I spoke about in class, Mattise got me thinking a lot about BEAUTY. Abstract are is beautiful. Sculptures are beautiful. Walking through MOMA, you look around and not everything is perfect. There is art that's very simple, art that's very complex. There's colorful art, black and white art. There's tiny little sketches, and humongous painting. All art is different. But, non less beautiful than the other. Kind of like people. We don't always look at it this way, everyone's beautiful. No one is any less beautiful than the next person, just different very much like art. This also ties into the play we went to go see. How could one person say they are any better than another just because of the skin they're in. I take the term beauty is in the eye of the beholder very seriously. I like to find the beauty in everything.

Psychogeography Project

For the Psycho-geography Project, what it meant to me was; nature meets object. It just so happened that I went kayaking this weekend and it doesn't get more beautiful then that. Every other minute, something new and beautiful is catching your eye. Even if it's just the simplicity of water, or the bright orange contrasting with the greenish-blue water. The trees, rocks, sand, water and sky literally put you in a trance for hours. I thought it really captured the idea of the beauty of nature vs. a bright kayak.

Kayak meets river

When I'm not in a workshop...

When I'm not in a workship I'm going to be helping Elisa with her film that she wants to follow through with and I'm also going to work on writing a skript. I don't have an idea for a film yet so I'll be going through the whole process of comming up with an idea, writing the skrpit thyen revising.

Work Shop

I think i got a lot out of the workshop but a different outcome than most. One part of the workshop was when we had to scream "NO" at people who were screaming "YES" back. I was a "NO" person which was a really big chnage to me. I was never good at saying no, and i usually don't. People felt stressed and angry after this exercise but i felt releaved, like i was letting out all the "NOS" that i should have in the past. While yelling no, i had a different situation for every no i was screaming and i think this helps my acting in many ways. One reason is becuase while acting, even though you don't know what is going on durring a script, you should always have a backround story that you have made to help you push yourself further as a character.

My Brain

I find it completely fascinating, that although i have had complete ownership of my brain and my thoughts for hmm let see... roughly 16 years now... i still can't control them. Why is it that during the course of me talking to myself (yes i talk to myself), that I will tell my brain to NOT think of something. I gave my brain specific instruction, but still my brain feels the need to defy my wants and needs and think of that exact thing! BUT, it's not just what i didn't want to think of, it expands and thinks of neighboring ideas that would get me equally pissed off. Wonderful. Thank you brain! This makes me think. Do i control my brain... When i was younger, i used to think there were little green men in my brain telling me what to do, think, and say and that idea is starting to make more sense than any scientist or brain doctor ever could. If i can't control my thoughts, who is? It has to be someone else. Someone evil. Because, although i pass by someone and tell them i love their sweater, under my breath i confess how hideous it is and question if she was high while purchasing this knitted Arabian sweater that has Christmas written in glitter. Why did i tell her i liked her sweater if i didn't really like it? It honestly just comes out. One of my worst features is, i always compliment people i hate (don't take this in offense if i have complimented you unless you know that i hate you.. then you can get offended)It is so horrible. But i really can't control it. I know i compliment people who aren't exactly worthy of compliments because i realize that although their sweater is hideous, they bought it, loved it enough to wear it to school, and probably have not gotten any compliments on it, if anything they've gotten stares and insults so, if i tell someone their hideous sweater is nice, it's not hurting anyone. But, i still find it weird that I'm compelled to do it. I can also say, and I'm sure a lot of people do it, I'm like a fashion critic walking through the hallways. But why? I don't do it on purpose and sometimes i don't even realize I'm doing it. Why should i care what other people are wearing... it doesn't effect me at all. Brain stop. nope. ok... do i want to be questioning the thoughts of other people when they woke up and decided they would not match at all and to make sure they get their point across, have totally contradicting colors on.. no i don't want to think that.. but i do. So until i have complete control of the reins latched onto my brain... I'll just walk around being controlled by little green men.

It's like my birthday every day: REBIRTH

I found the assignment to find out 3 core values and our main artistic issue very mind blowing. My 3 core values are CHANGE, INDEPENDENCE, AND UNIQUENESS. Okay, well once I got my 3 core values we had a little discussion on what an issue is, how to find it, and an example. Well, the chatter box I am, i went straight into conversation with Cassie about life and all these deep things and somewhere in the mix was PETVILLE. Yes petville in a teen crazed facebook game that gets you hooked on feeding a pet version of yourself with a house, neighbors, and shopping issues. In the middle of talking about my petville obsession, I told her how I sold everything in my house and decided to start over.... wait a second. ...that kinda what I do in my own life. And that is when my Issue was born.. or reborn for that matter. Rebirth is my issue. It's what my whole life is based upon and it totally ties into my 3 core values. AND it just so happens to tie into my enneagram test...super cool.... yes I know.

Number 4! wooh :]

Last week, we spent a whole day on enneagrams. After 14 pages of question after question, I am a 4. After looking through the packet that was given to us in class, i already had come to that conclusion but i wanted to take the test for shits and giggles. I think that the whole description can pretty much sum up my life but here are some key things that really struck me. "Fours often report that they feel they are missing something in themselves, although they may have difficulty identifying exactly what that “something” is." I always feel like i need more, like I'm missing something. I always feel like i need to change, i need to be better but i don't exactly know what. It's the weirdest feeling because i know i wanna change and i know i want to be better but i don't even know where to start, it's kinda like trying to fix a problem but you don't exactly know what to fix yet. What i find really cool is, while reading through the description of what the life style of a number 4 consist of, i realized that it also ties into my whole idea of "rebirth". After my enlightenment in class not too long ago on how the aspect of rebirth effects my life, i feel like everything i do has to do with rebirth. Rebirth even goes as far as me cleaning my room. I let it get really messy than i spend 2 full days on starting all over. I throw everything out, buy new things, organize everything and take it from there. Something i could compare my results to rebirth it "In the course of their lives, Fours may try several different identities on for size, basing them on styles, preferences, or qualities they find attractive in others." I always do this which pertains to rebirth because i love to start over. One thing that doesn't have to do with rebirth but really pertains to my life is, "One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them. Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives." When i read this, i realized it was totally me. I recently realized this and it's become a real problem but now i realize that it has to do with other aspects of my personality and life style. "At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences." When I'm happy or doing something i love, i revolve my whole life around it. I change everything about me that doesn't have to do with that which turns my experience into a more intense one.
I love the thought of starting over. Whenever I'm faced with a problem, my first thought is never to try and fix it, it's just to start all over. I love being able to be a whole new person just because i changed everything about me. Another aspect of rebirth that applies to me is my personality. My reason i get along with almost every person is because when i meet someone, my entire personality changes to make myself compatible with that person. Do i do it on purpose? Not at all. I've realized it before but briefly but now that I've indulged in my research about myself and how rebirth applies to my life, i really realize it now.
I think sometimes i get so confused about a situation and handling problems became of my rebirth like personality. I can never find and in between. If I'm really mad about something, i can never try to slowly fix it or think things out, i automatically change my whole perception on something which leads to problems because not everyone is so into rebirth as much as me and can't follow my mood swings. Another thing is, I never read over my blogs. Thats probably why there are so many mistakes but i never do because if i read it over, I know I'm going to want to start it all over again.... not good.

I just though you guys might enjoy seeing two of my brothers videos he's done in film class in college. I think they're pretty cool but that might just be becuase he's my brother :]

The first video is a video about the lives of two people through their handss...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o32L2TCRj1s

This video is pretty funny, it's supposed to be about himself but he's not actually like that... it's more of a video on who he is making movies i guess it's funny though

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Njjp5Bxbas

Why do a reflection on an english pape, when I can reflect my life

So... it's 1:22 in the morning and today has been a very hectic day. I have this huge English essay due tomorrow and of course i just finished it!.... or thought I did. God damn it. I have to right a reflection on this paper. How bout i write " I bullshitted this whole essay" and we call it a day. Oh no, but their are guidelines to this reflection and I'm not exactly sure if that statement for fills the requirement so, lets take a look at what's needed.

In a few paragraphs, reflect on your paper by addressing the following questions:
1. What was it like to write this paper? Explain the difficulties you had along the way.
2. What are the strengths of your paper?
3. What are the weaknesses?
4. What specifically did you revise along the way?

Well that's not fun, and I'll never get it done anyways so how bout I write a reflection as though I'm talking about the book written about my life. A reflection about my life and the process of getting there. I think this is a pretty good idea. Of course I won't hand this in but it'll keep me bussy for a while.

My life isn't finished yet, it's more of a work in progress. I'm still in my rough draft stage of my life. I know I'm going to make mistakes and I still have time before I need to hand in my final, so why not just write without back spacing or correcting. It's when your truest self comes out. Mistakes are inevitable, so embrace them, remember them, learn from them and the next time you stumble upon it, thank the lord that it happened. I don't know whether I can say writing my life story was a good or bad experience but it was, and still is difficult. No one said life was going to be easy but there will always be other "writers" that make their stories seem so good and make you even doubt if you should continue writing your book, that once meant so much to you. But eventually you'll get past your writers block and that's when your greatest writing will come. Difficulties writing my life story? My publisher decided to sponsor another book, my printer ran out of inc and stopped working, my computer erased all my work, but hey, I'm still writing aren't i? Difficulties aren't problems, their challenges you put upon yourself to test your own strength. The people that helped me write my story are even more important than the book it's self because without those people, their would be no pages with no writing. Everything my book is today, is because of the people that found me a new publisher, let me use their printer, spent hours with me relocating the files on my computer , then buying me a new computer so this never happened again. You can only thank the author so much for a good story when the characters in the book are really the amazing ones. Although my book is very interesting, it's very inconsistent. It has unorganized thoughts, grammar and spelling mistakes, maybe even missing some pages but non of that worries me because when I get everything organized, I know my book will be amazing. For a long time, I worried about the pictures going in my book, the color of the font, what the cover would look like, what size font i would use but along the way i realized that what happens if someone picks up on book in a store and realizes that the book is missing so much, so, I started to build up the context and it's been working for me so far.


There's a lot of analogies going on... hopefully they make sense. I could just be really over tiered right now and have no idea what I'm saying. Wonderfull! :]

The Evil Word

I recently went through this crazy breakup and am attempting to patch up the wounds lately but during this whole massacre, I've come to hate the word it. It just pisses me off. I never minded the word, I never even really thought about the word but I've come to conclusion that it's a blanket that people use to cover up what's actually going on. I mean, in the right context I don't mind it, but if you use it the wrong way, it could really get on my nerves. It could stand for ANYTHING. My boyfriend... well, ex-boyfriend... attempting to fix it- friend, used it a lot and I never mentioned it but I've been meaning to blog about it. I don't exactly know what blogging about it would do but I feel it is necessary. So here is how I've come to hate this tiny word. My boyfriend fucked up big time recently but he'll never directly state what he did. He'll always say, "I'm so sorry for doing it.", "I didn't mean to do it.", "I don't know how it happened.". I have no idea why it pisses me off but I think it's so strange that this life altering thing, although high school breakups sounds silly, yes life altering thing can be boiled down to this two letter word. And maybe that's why I hate it, because it represents everything I hate. I've never actually realized how weird the word it is. I used the word it in my last sentence but meanwhile it is representing my hatred for the word. It's this mind swirling word that if you think about too much, could get you a bit dizzy. It's kind of like a crutch, when you use the word it, it takes the hurt out of the situation and puts it into a teeny word. This poor word, has to sum up two months of pain. That's what crying, screaming, hating, loving has all boiled down to. "It was bad times" It? I went through so much, he did so much and yet both situations are still represented by it. In my opinion, this word should have never been created because evidently it gives people the easy way out. What would you rather say.... "I'm sorry for fucking another girl two days after breaking up with you", or "I'm sorry for doing it".... yeah that's what I thought. Slowly but surely, I will erase this stupid word from my vocabulary... or at least try.

la la la :]

Well, I'm going through a bit of a song writing phase lately, I'm not sure if it's more poetry though because I haven't actually put music behind it but it's what I plan on doing because I'm learning to play the guitar soon. So I've decided to put up some of my lyrics or whatever you want to call them. I usually write them either when I'm extremely happy or horribly depressed and some of them could get very cliche but they make me happy and I thought I should share one :]

This is my horrible mood song:

Tell me I’m the only one
Tell me it’s me you see in your dreams
Tell me I’m all you’ve ever wanted
Because I want to believe you
Once upon a time
There was you and me
Then came her
And the end of me
I cried for days then realized
That if it’s her you want
it wasn’t meant to be
You eventually came back to me
But I was unsure
You broke my heart
But then I found out more
Your heart can’t break anymore
After it’s been broken
So I lived numb to the pain
In a world of make believe
I cover up my heart with a smile and a laugh
A scar and a scratch
So I know what I feel is real
Everything is fine to you
Everything is perfect
This is what you wanted
But what about me?
maybe if I were better
maybe if I cared less
we had our problems
but we had good times too
but I guess it wasn’t worth it
I guess it wasn't worth the fight
You had your moment of weakness
Everyone does now and then
But now I live with your mistake
Every second of my life

Let the Right One in

I haven't stopped thinking about thinking about this movie since the second I left the STAC room. I think what really struck me was the silence . The soundtrack was absolutely beautiful which really helped you take in the moments of silence and let you think about what was going on. One thing that really pushed towards the scary side of the movie were the movement in the camera. There was almost no movement of the camera and if there was, it was extremely sloww. The movie mostly consisted of quick shot changes. When you mix quick shot changes and slow to very little movement... you have a creepy movie. One thing that really interested me was the distance from the camera to the actual scene. It made you actually feel like you we're watching them from a distance. That also contributed to the creepy aspect because i felt kind of weird watching it... almost like i wasn't supposed to be there. Whenever I watch those really stupid, gory, scary movies i always have the tendency to close my eyes or turn around but i always have to take a peak back because the thoughts in my head matching the sounds going on are actually worse than the actual movie. This director clearly knew that the average person does this and he didn't want you missing one second of his film so he said "hey! they can't escape sounds unless their 4 and think sticking your fingers in your ears actually works, so, I'll give them a little picture, add all the sounds and leave the rest to their imagination." He really takes the saying, "less is more" to a whole new limit. I think the rubix cube sympolizes oskar and eli's relationship. You make one turn, and it doesn't seem right at first, but in reality it's just taking you one step closer to the perfect ending. Eli keeps killing people and you cant help but be like "What the hell is going on? Leave this girl now! She's gunna kill you." but it actually helps Eli and Oscar become closer.

work chopss

"All our progress is unfolding like a vegetable bud. You have at first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge as a plant has a root, bud and fruit. Trust your instinct until the end, though you can render no reason."

I've really liked the acting work shops we've been doing lately. These workshops have really helped me sit bad and just watch. You have no idea how much it helps when you're watching someone else's monologue and they get feed back on it that could pertain to your acting too. Most advise given to a person on their monologue can help your perfect your too! My favorite advise that Joyce has given is to BREATHE. It makes such a difference while doing your monologue. I never realized how much of a difference it makes but when you watch someone, and they actually breath instead of doing their monologue in one breath, it looks 20x better and more "organic".

And according to the cell theory, we can conclude that .... "Oh, she looks cute in her default"

I've finally figured out my problem. Thanks to Luke I have come to conclusion that I am horrible at getting things done and committing to doing thing daily. It's amazing how I've been procrastinating, not getting things done, then feeling like shit all of the next day not having the slightest idea why. Facebook is my number one killer. I can openly say that I am a "facebook whore". It's all I do. I take facebook stalking to the next level and get all caught up in picking apart everyone else's lives that I forget to keep up with my own. I never get homework done. I do science homework in the morning, I do math homework in science, I do Italian homework in Italian and in Italian I do English homework so clearly I have a horrible way of getting things done. I'm convinced I have A.D.D but I don't think that excuse would fly by my teachers so greatly. I wish I was good at getting things done because I always have great ideas for blogs. While I'm in class my head goes crazy with ideas to write about but instead I comment on my friends default picture reminding her of the great times we had forgetting SHE WAS THERE AND SHE DOESN'T NEED TO BE REMINDED OF IT. If only I could think like this while I went around liking everyone's statuses. I just made a promise to myself that I will do one blog every day. It will be good to have me commit to something besides breathing. I can't even commit to taking medicine every day. I'm supposed to be taking medication for my knee because it's inflamed or some crap like that and of course I've taken the pills maybe twice and i got them two months ago. I'm not hurting anyone else besides myself... of course if my knee suddenly gives out while I'm walking down the stairs and i take out a couple of kids ... well then i guess I'm hurting other people too but commitment sucks and I'm determined to conquer it.

STACom... I was born with a little stac in me ;)

What has stac done for me? Well, after coming out of stac everyday, I can say that walking through the hallways and outside is like one big trip. You honestly feel like your on some crazy drug and your having some sort of weird high. Colors are popping out, things you've never seen before, you start to notice, things you thought you knew so well (trees consist of two colors; green and brown) start to get questioned, movies you thought were your ALL TIME FAVORITES, don't seem as good anymore. Every day at stac, I wish I had a notebook with me to write down some of the things that are said. I keep forgetting but I will remember to get one sooner or later so I can just write down things that are said that move me so much. Not only has this class helped me change as a person but the people in it are absolutely amazing. Everyone is learning and changing together. They help you think in ways you've never thought you could. One reason I love stac so much is because it questions what I think every time I'm there. Luke always has something witty to say that makes me rethink everything I've ever thought. Sometimes it's even overwhelming when we're talking about something big because my head raises with all these thoughts and those thoughts question my thinking and my thinking is changing every second and it's one person after another saying something so meaningful and my brain constantly has to play catch up. I cannot count how many times I've learned a weird fact and then gone around telling every person I know what I've learned. My friends constantly ask me what i did in stac today because every time they ask, I always have something interesting to say. One thing I regret is not keeping up with my blogs. I don't even know why I stopped blogging because I loved it in the beginning and I always have so much to say about something so I guess I have to get my train back on track and keep up with these blogs. I love reading them all the time though. Stac also helps you realize things that were collecting dust in the back of your head waiting for you to realize what was actually going on. The things that are said in peoples blogs, you read them and you’re like HEY, I THOUGHT THAT TOO! but you never really realized you thought it. It's hard to explain like it skimmed through your mind but you never actually acknowledged it. Stac basically helps you figure out who you are. You are who you are but you never really think about it because you're too busy trying to figure out other people.

Kontroll = anxiety

Kontroll... hmm...I don't even know where to start. Kontrol is one of those movies that if you think too hard about it, you get this pressure in your chest and your breathing gets a little heavier. I wouldn't exactly call it anxiety but its very close to it. What really freaks me out is that when ever I go to a train station, I always have to test what my mom says and stand at the very end of the platform. I might have a fear of train stations for the rest of my life.... thank you Nimród Antal. After talking about this movie so much, I don't think i can ever watch another movie the same. I'm not gunna lie, I am the worst movie critic ever, I think every movie is AMAZING. But, after analyzing this movie so much and also talking about movies on Friday, i now have a different view on movie watching. After watching the movie the first time I thought it was really good but I didn't know why. Then we talked about how Bulcsú could possibly be the killer and that had me questioning everything i thought about the movie, and then we talked about all the symbolism and I thought HEY that's really cool. That got me thinking about all my favorite movies or movies I thought were good and they have none of those aspects and in all, really aren't good movies. It's so good because there's so much to talk about the movie but you can't talk about it. You know what you want to say but then another thought questiones that thought about the movie. It's very hard to explain.

Cougarss

Love is BLIND

For some odd reason, when we were all talking about walking through the community center blind folded, i thought of the saying love is blind. You think I'm kidding... i really did. I have no idea why but it popped into my brain. I always thought it meant that you love with no judgements, but being blind has a lot more depth. It's mostly about trust. Once you get into a comfort zone where you can trust the person that's leading you, everything becomes so much more easy. All your other senses also become stronger and listening to what's going on around you becomes so intense. When you lose that anxiety you get from feeling like you're about to fall off the end of the world, it actually becomes a lot of fun and very carefree. I think that is what i liked most about it. When you're walking down hallways or around a school, you're judging people, questioning thing you see, things you hear and your mind goes racing because of everything your surrounded by but when you can't see anything, if you're not worrying about bumping into anything, you basically have nothing to think about. In a sense it feels like your floating.

Der Blaue Reiter

Der Blaue Reiter was a German movement lasting from 1911 to 1914 that consisted of a group of artists from Munich Germany. Der Blaue Reiter revolved mostly around Franz Marc Wassily Kandinsky who we have talked about a lot in class. They believed in the promotion of modern art; the connection between visual art and music; the spiritual and symbolic associations of color; and a spontaneous, intuitive approach to painting. Their work promoted individual expression and broke free from any artistic restraints. I think the expressionist group is really cool considering how long ago it started, it's techniques we use today which shows how big of an influence they were.

My version of "Going Blind"

She held herself at the table
just as well as the others there.
When looking a little closer,
you would realize she help her cup differently
as she picked it up.
She smiled a forced smile.

As they all made their ways through the rooms,
she slowly trailed behind,
walking with caution.

In her eyes,
you saw explicit joy,
shinning.

She slowly walks cautiously in and out
of obstacles that lay in her way.
Once she got past it,
she would be beyond all walking, and would fly.

I'm not sure where i want life to take me but at this rate... nowhere is where im heading.

My mom recently screamed at me saying that everything i do is always "half ass". Of course i yelled back saying something witty to make her feel stupid, turned around, walked back into my room and sat there. I was always envious of those Olympic winners or even the people that just participated because they worked their whole life on something and now they could be proud. Well, as mamma Stacom said, everything i do is always 50%. I play soccer, but heyy it's not like I'm gunna do it my whole life so who cares if I'm not that great. I sing, but I'm not comfortable singing in front of people so that really wont take me anywhere, so I'll take the lessons because i love to sing but no biggy if i skip a few. I love to act but Ive been working to get something big since i was 4 years old and commercials here and there aren't really a thrill anymore so I'll try hard but just like all the other times, the chances of fail are high. I don't know how to commit or stick to anything. I'm one of those people who always go threw phases. It doesn't matter what type of phase but I've had a million and of course it all started like everyone else; Polly pockets phase, bratz phase, barbie phase but then as i got older all the things i loved to do, once i failed, well i pretty much gave up and just added it to my long list of phases. It even comes down to my friends that i get so close to but then we lose touch and the weekends get busy and once again they become just a phase in my life. I'm not saying i have to pick what i want to do with my life now, i just think that some sort of organization and commitment needs to start soon. I'm not sure where i want life to take me but i feel at this rate... well nowhere is where I'm heading. I keep thinking I'm in 2nd grade and i have all this time to experiment and try new things out but in reality i have 2 years to attempt to start somewhere. I always need someone to push me to my potential but really i should be pushing myself. I think confidence is my main problem. Everyone always thinks I'm such a confident person but i think that's why I'm not amazing at one thing, i lack that "I'm gunna get this!" kind of thinking. I've been acting since i was 4 years old and I've done a ton of things here and there but I've always been waiting for my big break. That one thing that makes everything worth while. It gets a bit tiring audition after audition. I swear i must have gone on AT LEAST 1000 auditions and yet here i am writing a blog about how my life has gone nowhere. YES, i am only 15 but i have big plans for my life. I don't want to leave this world as a business woman, or a librarian... i want to be remembered. i don't know if that's too much to ask.. maybe it is but I've seen crazier dreams so for now I'll stick with that. I get nauseous reading magazines about how all these people go from movie to move... I want that in the worst way but they say young actors never last anyways so for now i guess I'll stick to the dream. This blog went totally off topic... even though it never really had a topic i was just rambling on about stuff that usually no one wants to hear about but it feels much better getting all of that out.

Eat at your own risk

NINA CAKE

Ingredients you will need:

1 Red Apples

3 cups mac and cheese in a box

4 eggs

2 cups of captain crunch

2 cups of cake mix

6 drops of purple food coloring

1/2 cup of rice and beans

6 waffles

Preparation:

1. Get the cake mix ready (add water and stir)

2. Get a 12x6 cake pan

3. Layer the bottom of the pan with waffles

4. Scramble the eggs.

5. Add drops of food coloring to the cake mix

6. slowly mix in the scrambled eggs to the cake and let sit for 10 minutes

7. make the macaroni and cheese (hot water and powder cheese)

8. Layer the macaroni and cheese on top of the waffles for a 1 inch think mac and cheese layer

9. Go to taco bell and buy high quality rice and beans and put that in the blender for a creamy topping.

10. Add the cake mix on top of the macaroni and cheese and keep in refrigerator for 23 minutes.

11. Turn the Captain Crunch into a bread crumb consistency

12. Put cake in oven at 223 degrees for 23 minutes

13. When cake has cooled down, add a creamy, thick layer of rice&beans icing

14. Sprinkle the crunched captain crunch on top of the cake

15. Eat the apple you had left over as a reward for your hard work

Enjoyyyy

“Photography takes an instant out of time, altering life by holding it still.”

Trying to look semi normal... while being interviewed.. which caused laughter.. and in front of the whole class. Easy enough...but hey at least we all had to do it! :) Now i present to you the wonderful photos taken by fellow stacies(or atleast my favorite ones).

I love this picture of Dina because its simple and very natural.

I don't even know why I like this picture i just do.. its kinda crazy.

Ilana looks so Innocent and has a sweet smile.

Michelle looks so cool in this picture shes on her way to a smile

Molly pondering life's meaning.

I love this picture! It's so sweet.

The background is a little distracting but it's a really laid back picture.

This is a very fun picture!

I like that she's looking down and smiling. :)

Side shot! i like that its not posed at all.

I love that it's dead center and you can see that she's a sweet person through the picture.

such a nice smile!

hahah he looks like he should be saying "heyyyyy"

This picture is so fun, i love that she's intensely laughing.

Her smile just makes me smile!

There were so many funny ones but i like this one cuz shes smiling/laughing.

Explaining his love for lipstick? Possibly

this is such a cute picture. big smilee :)

I like that it's so close up. His eyes really connect to the camera.

Deep in thought.

Picture Perfect

hahaha this picture is so funny!

This picture is really chill.. i feel like i could totally see it in some magazine.

This picture looks like she just saw Santa! love it

Aw you looked so nervous in all the other pictures. You look happy but you can tell your hiding your nerves its really cool :p

I lover her hands in this picture!

She looks so Innocent!

such a cute picture! I love that her face is all scrunched up.

Some how, she has managed to make a silly face and look pretty at the same time.

This picture is amazing! You get so much of her personality from it.